


Hi and Low

by toowincesttolive



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Gen, Letters, M/M, Post Season 5, Post-Episode: s05e22 Swan Song, Wincest - Freeform, implied wincest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-09
Updated: 2016-06-09
Packaged: 2018-07-14 00:12:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,129
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7144199
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/toowincesttolive/pseuds/toowincesttolive
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Following Sam's dive into the cage to save humanity, Dean remains living. In the year when Sam was gone, "surviving" was about the only thing you could use to describe Dean. Sometimes he wrote letters to his little brother even though he knew Sam could never read them.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hi and Low

**Author's Note:**

> This is a somewhat extended drabble that I wrote loosely based on the song Hi and Low by The Wanted.

Sammy,

     You always used to pray. Every night. The most beautiful prayers. I remember hearing just the slightest whisper from your bed at night. At first I thought I was just imagining it, but when we were lying in the same bed and you were pressed up against me, I can still feel the words your lips traced against my shoulder. Prayers that sang praise and begged for protection. I just wish he'd protected you, too.

     I have never had faith in God. I don't know if I even want to believe in one. I've only ever been to church to hunt demons.

     But Sam, dammit, I wish you knew. I wish I told you. You were the only faith I ever had. I know it still sucked and I failed you so many times. And I know I hurt you with this blind faith more than I should have. That night with the amulet shouldn’t have happened. You don’t know this, either, but I still have it. Went back to that motel and pulled it out of the trash. I never relly lost the faith I had in you. It doesn’t matter now, I guess. I don't even have a good reason why I never told you. I'm so sorry, Sam. And now you're dead gone, and I can't do anything about it.

     Anyways, I can't keep this anymore. I'm not worth it. I can't carry this knowing that I completely fucked up the whole reason I wore it. I’m leaving it here with you. I know you’re not here. I didn’t even get a body to bury. This is just the graveyard where you jumped. I sort of planted a tree here. I don’t know why. I guess it just felt better than some cold, dead stone or cross. The tree is growing pretty fast. It’ll be tall, and strong, like you. I’m leaving the amulet in a hole I carved. Maybe the tree will carry it up to God and he can have it back. I don’t deserve it.

     I don’t deserve you. I never did. But, I can’t help missing you. Everyday. Every hour. Every second. Every instant that passes with me knowing you are gone and you aren’t coming back is torture. It’s worse than all 40 years of hell, Sammy, and I would take every second of hell again forever if I could have you back.

     -D

 

* * *

 

Sam,

    I don’t really know why I’m writing these. It’s not like you can read them. Maybe its therapeutic. It doesn’t matter. I don’t care.

    I just don’t have anyone to talk to anymore. Cas is gone. Bobby is busy. I wouldn’t want to bother them anyways. They don’t need me walking around like a corpse to hold them back.

    I did try to find a hunt a few weeks ago. To keep busy. So I wouldn’t think of you so goddamned much. Werewolf, just turned. Just like Madison. Walking down the street during a full moon, attacked, one month later all these murders start showing up around her. I took her out just before the next full moon. Hated myself for it, too. Can’t help wondering if you would have found a way to save her. I spent days at the library trying to find a cure, probably let more people get killed trying to save this one girl.

    In the mythology section, I happened to read an article about psychics casting pink auras around themselves to increase their foresight and mental stability. I could have nearly bet my life on seeing your slight smirk when I turned the book around, laughing to myself, already saying “Pink Freud.” And then… you weren’t there.

    Flirting is useless now. Sarcasm and jokes and smiling and laughing. I can’t do it anymore. I can’t see your face anymore. Not happy, sad, angry, annoyed, amused. There is no point.

    I would give up the world, let Lucifer have his apocalypse, let the angels bring the world to its knees, if I could have you back.

    -D

 

* * *

 

Sam,

    You should know, after you jumped, Cas healed me, and I slept in the impala in that graveyard for weeks. Cas disappeared. I told Bobby to get lost. I wasn’t exactly in the best state for socializing, you know. Found a motel after a while, took a shower. You voice is still in my head, telling me I stink, that I’m getting old. After I cleaned myself up, I told myself I was leaving for Lisa’s home.

    But, instead of heading for Lisa’s home and living that apple pie life you wanted me to have, I went to Palo Alto. I’ve been loitering around Stanford, watching people study, caught a football game. Trying to imagine you, alive, happy. Living here, existing here. I can picture you and Jessica. I’m sure she would have made a great bride. An amazing person to spend the rest of your life with. You should have gotten married, had children, lived a long life.

    I’m sorry I fucked that up for you, Sam. If I could go back, I never would have dragged you away from Stanford. I would have found Dad on my own. Probably wouldn’t have lived past that wendigo, but it would have been alright. You could have been happy. You would not have had to deal with me. You could still be alive. Jess could still be alive. I’m so sorry.

   -D

 

* * *

 

Sam,

    Planes. You know I hate them. I don’t know how, but I just landed back in Palo Alto. I saw- I saw a man with chestnut, overgrown hair and that perfect, angled nose of yours in the background of a news article on some local Missouri news website while I was looking for a case. And I knew. I knew it was you. I jumped on a plane before I could remember how afraid I was.

    I was so sure it was you. I looked over the whole town. went  to the spot of the photo. Nothing. Like I had imagined the whole thing. But I didn’t. I know I didn’t. It was you.

    It was you.

    I had to fly back to Palo Alto to get back to Baby, but that was even worse than the flight to Missouri, knowing that I had gone to extreme lengths to find something that was hardly more than a figment of my imagination.

    I miss you so much, Sammy.

    -D

 

* * *

 

Sammy,

    I guess this is my last letter. I am half a mile from Lisa’s home. Going just like you said. Apple pie life. Otherwise I’ll go crazy alone in this old car. Maybe I can make do with my life with her. But she’s not you, Sammy.

    I love you.

    -D

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading!! Again this was inspired by the song Hi and Low by The Wanted, and you should totally check it out sometime! Please Please Please leave kudos or comment if you liked it!!


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